I’ve never been to a wedding.

“OMGZ, LIKE… MY LYFE IS $O HARD, U GUYZ.”

But no, it’s true. No fancy schmancy gold foil invitations on acid-free paper for this broad. I’ve never even been invited to a city hall “signing of the papers,” let alone asked to be a bridesmaid. If this doesn’t count as a sob story, then someone needs to tell Steven Tyler to quit his bitching. When is this guy going to croak?

Fact: Steven Tyler’s lips will outlive him.

It makes sense, given my age demographic and how we are no longer living in the 1940s. And I guess it’s a good thing that the neo-feminists of the 21st century have been raised not to say “I do” to the first guy that tries to get funky with their nips and tucks at the drive-in theater. Listen up, guys—your convertible does not impress me. Leather seats make me gassy.

But sorry for digressing. Because this is not a matter of believing in marriage and/or relationships. And after seeing multiple Facebook albums of awkward conga lines with second cousins twice removed and middle-aged women getting into wrestling matches over some facking flowers, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on something important (or at least embarrassingly cliché). The only problem is me not having any friends who are planning to get hitched in the near future.

Basically, what needs to happen is this.

Someone needs to get knocked up, preferably within the next year or so. Here’s looking at you, [name redacted].

Is it too much to ask?

All I want from life is to know what it feels like to wear taffeta and dance drunk to the Armageddon theme song.

via American Apparel

Not only is AA’s newest sales promotion “Pantytime 2010” trademarked, but they are also selling tights for people who have serious “junk in the trunk” issues and think that extra layer of ass fabric is just too much to handle.

Just. Want. To. Understand.

• nova and lox
• faces of my friends who are Asian
• Bob Saget and Stephen Colbert

fuckyeahmiyazaki:

“Howl, tell me what’s going on. Please. I don’t care if you’re a monster.”

“I’m just setting things up so that all of you can live comfortably. With all the flowers you’ve got in this valley you could easily open up a flower shop. Right? I’m sure you’d be good at it.”

“So, you are going away? Please, Howl, I know I can be of help to you. Even though I’m not pretty, and all I’m good at is cleaning.”

“Sophie! Sophie, you’re beautiful!”

The new era of S&M is upon us, guys.

GET IT TOGETHER!

likepolishingfirewood:

This one time I was in a convenience store, and guy came up and asked me, “What’s the score?” and I said, “What is the game? If it’s a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn’t give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing.”

via the Cool Hunter

Cleaning out my hard drive wasn’t as relaxing as I thought it’d be.

"We should make using imperfect grammar a felony, so that people take English class very seriously. You would be able to petition for a slang license."

— Asher on Facebook

I went to the library and saw the huge-ass line for the xerox machine, because I had a good five minutes before I had to run to the most boring lecture ever, and my burning desire to make a photocopy of my face definitely could’ve been indulged.

Hate this fast-paced modern life sometimes.

drinkyourjuice:

[image via risingtensions]

This would only be good on a dude or as a onesie for a baby.

I finally found my outfit for the debutante ball!

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

— Mitch Hedberg

Modern design ≠ Hipster

Unhappy Hipster ≠ Newest internet meme

Our generation + Getting over “hipster” as a go-to qualifier = What needs to happen ASAP

“Oh, look, you guys. A hipster masquerading as a flying squirrel.”

I don’t care how funny, witty, uproariously prolific you are as a writer and how hilarious your monkey jokes are to your 34298734982 followers.

If you have a layout that uses #CCCCCC font on #FFFFFF background with a curly header font in pink, I will claw my eyes out and yours too.

I’m glad we’ve straightened that out.

“Noah Tall is a longtime subscriber to The New Yorker and other magazines that people leave on their coffee tables when they want to look smart. He also has been a member of NAMES, the dyslexic branch of MENSA, since 1598. He is the author of the highly acclaimed national bestseller The Tippling Point, which has yet to be published.”

You is so sexy.

Dolce & Gabbana Fall/Winter 2010 via Jak & Jil

A few years ago, I got really into reading French Vogue, i-D, et al. because I found haute couture really fascinating and a truly open-ended channel for design.

But now, I view luxury fashion with a bleary skepticism. It dumbfounds me sometimes.

Here’s the thing—all of these men have BOOBS.

I thought guys are only allowed to pull this kind of stunt in drag.