1. Count how many times you flashed the green card only to realize that instead of acting as an instant consent of marriage from a Latvian bride, it’s now a bone-crossed skull tarot card.

2. Snicker at the fact that “swine flu” is an anagram of “Elf Win Us.”

3. Pray that it’s all an illusion and that the female Japanese tourists aren’t actually wearing nylon socks with their sandals.

4. Count the number of times the Chinese immigration officer disturbingly hocks into a paper cup. (Eleven.)

5. Cough. More fun when everyone else is wearing a hazmat suit!